A Journey of Self-Discovery through The Pain
August 1st 2010 7.00am. I stood on the edge of the Indian Ocean, looked up at the marker 300 meters away and breathed a deep sigh to focus concentration. The start to Painathlon 2010 was only seconds away and all doubts of my ability to compete in this event had disappeared. I had done the necessary training, I had prepared my self mentally and most of all I felt that this race had been especially designed for my unique abilities. It was mine for the taking With a shout of “Go” from Jon Hague, the originator and organiser of this event, we began. We had 10 running challenges, with cycle stages between each challenge, to complete before sunset approximately 10 hours and 45 minutes away. The whole event consisted of approximately 117kms of riding and 40kms of running.

At about 5.45pm later that day I surged to the top of Jacobs ladder for the last time then sprinted across the remaining 50 meters to complete Painathlon 2010. The feeling of emotion and elation that hit me when I burst through the finish tape was indescribable. After over 10 hours of cycling and running I had completed this incredibly gruelling event. Thanks to a combination of extreme physical conditioning, superior mental toughness and a never-say-die attitude that some say you cannot learn or develop you have to be born with, I had conquered the beast.

Ha!!  If you believe any of that crap then have I got a real good deal for you!

Turn the clock back approximately one month.
Once again I found myself talking to my work colleague Christo (Paul Christiansen) and once again I found myself caught up in his infectious enthusiasm for all things Ironman.  “Koops” he says. “As an awesome preparation exercise for the 2010 Ironman why don’t you compete in this charity event that I did two years ago”. “It’s nowhere near as tough as an Ironman and the runs and cycle legs are nice and short. Someone at
your stage of training (none) should be able to breeze through it”!  In the heat of the moment I shouted “Hallelujah I can see the light. The Painathlon I will enter”! Or maybe I said “Yeah why not. How hard can it be? After all now that Tony Abbott has completed one, the Ironman is now definitely uncool”!
I attended the race briefing in Freo and that’s when I seriously started to think that maybe my energies should be applied elsewhere. Plus the name should’ve been a dead give-away. PAINATHLON. The bloody race even sounded hard. But I consoled myself with the thought that the whole thing was for a very worthy cause and as Christo said any training is better than none if you don’t want to embarrass yourself again during the Ironman.
Ok this was not going to be a “Breeze”. Thanks Christo. Oh yeah just like the 2009 Ironman he then informs me that no he’s not running in this event. He’s going to do it in a car as a volunteer helper. Good one.

Right time for a bold and cunning plan. After studying the layout of the course, reconnoitring the route and closely scrutinizing the race rules, I devised an ingenious strategy to complete the race.

Yeah alright substitute ‘ingenious strategy’ for CHEAT!!

Fast forward to 1 August 2010

The Race
There I was standing on City Beach wearing a race singlet that looked and fitted like it belonged to my 10 year old brother, which was a significant improvement from the original one they gave me which looked and fitted like it belonged to my 8 year old sister.
I looked up and down the start line at all the other competitors and even though most of them were still wearing track pants and jackets I could see that I had a significant weight advantage over all the others. About a 20kg advantage at least. I’m sure that would be a great help.

Beach run
Three times up and down City beach. Bloody hell how do they run in this stuff.  Probably helped if I didn’t sink half a metre into the sand every step I took.

Part 1 of the bold and cunning plan.
Pretend to need to use the toilet. Hide in the surf club till everyone is on lap three then rejoin the race and get the card punched. There was even an ex-colleague of mine from Mirrabooka Station punching the cards. Surely he would know a bulls…t artist when he sees one. Hey cool, card punched no questions asked. On the bike and up Oceanic Dr to stage 2.

Reabold Hill
Twice up the hill and down again. Bugger that.
Part 2 of the bold and cunning plan.
Pretend to look really stuffed as you reach the top the first time and line up to get the card punched. Avoid eye contact with the punch dude and then exhale deeply and say “Glad that ones out of the way”. I’m sure the punch man looked suspicious but by then I was off down the hill before any awkward questions could be asked or even worse they made me run up and down the hill again. Back on the bike and off to Kings Park.

DNA Tower
A nice gentle run up the slope to DNA tower and back. Bummer there was no way to short-cut this one. Short of threatening to beat Christo up if he didn’t piggy-back me up the hill (where is that man when you really need him), nothing for it but run up the hill get the card punched and back to the bike for the next stage.

Mount Street
A short bike ride from DNA tower to Mount Street and I managed to get lost. This stage called for 3 runs up and down possibly the steepest street in town.

Part 3 of the bold and cunning plan.
Very similar to part 2. Do one lap, breathe really heavily, pretend to be really buggered (not much pretence required by this stage) then make a big deal of telling all within earshot that you’re glad you’ve finished the stage, get the card punched then ride off before any suspicions aroused.

Back on the bike to the next stage-10km run around the Perth and South Perth foreshores

The Bridges Run
I had planned on giving this stage a miss altogether but since I had made it this far without anyone being none the wiser I decided to continue with my bold and cunning plan.

Part 4 of the aforementioned plan.
Ride straight down the freeway bike path over the narrows and under the bridge to South Perth. Find a convenient sign to hide the bike behind, change into the runners, convince some passers-by to mind my bag then run up onto the bridge to get the card punched.

The card was duly punched but for the first time my plan came close to being exposed. After the nice punch people gave me some snakes to eat I then turned back
the way I’d come to get my bag and bike. “Hey, you’re supposed to going the other way” they shouted at me. In my best aussie accent “No worries mate I think I dropped my GPS down there” I replied. Then run off before any further questions asked.

Once again they have been fooled.
Back on the bike and then off on what I consider to be the master-stroke of my bold and cunning plan.

Part 5 of the ingenious plan
Ride straight down the freeway bike path to Mt Henry Bridge. Cross over and yes there’s the punch hanging on a piece of wire. Punch the card myself with no witnesses to the contrary. Its still not lunchtime and I’ve completed 6 stages of this race. He He He.

Part 6 of the bold and cunning plan.
Keep heading south on the bike path straight to the Bull Creek Train station. 

On the train back to town then a short walk through Perth Station from the Mandurah line to the Midland line.

On the Midland train to Midland (where else).

All this planning and scheming can be quite tiring.

Well earned refreshment break in Midland then back on the bike for the toughest bike leg (for everyone else) out to Brigadoon.

The Truth
This was a really tough 5km run up some horrible hills on unforgiving bitumen.  That’s if you ran on the road of course

Part 7 of the bold and……..well you get the drift by now……
As part of my reconnaissance mission I had discovered a horse trail from the bottom of the hill to just about the turning point of the Truth. Rack the bike; pretend you’ve dropped something back down the road and then when no-one is looking bolt up the horse trail. What a short cut, even walking I got credited with a time of 55 minutes for this stage. Gee I better slow down or I’m going to set some sort of record for the
event. 

I had to hide in the bushes while a couple of other competitors went past then spring out and look like superman running up the last hill to the punch. I even had time to ring the better half to tell her about a house that was for sale up there. There was even a big container of water up there. Punch the card then back down the horsey trail to the bike rack. The helpers had loads of supplies there and I had a bit more of a rest
and more lollies then back on the bike for the ride to the next stage.

Zig Zag
A seven km zig zagging run up the old railway line at Gooseberry Hill. During the race briefing we were told that you follow the road up the hill, get your card punched then come straight down via a marked shortcut.

Part 8
If there’s a shortcut down the hill then it must also work going up the hill. Makes sense doesn’t it. So I ran accordingly. I think I just about blew my bold and cunning plan when another competitor surprised me while I was walking down the hill eating a meat pie and swigging on a Gatorade I brought along the way.

The punch people at the top were slightly surprised at how fresh I looked but I guess they just put that down to my superior conditioning. Plus they were really busy stopping traffic from driving down the road. Their surprise was nothing compared to the dudes at the bottom when I got down there in record time though. Once again I guess they put it down to extreme fitness. Quick get back on the bike and disappear before the questioning begins.

Quadcrusher
Which sadistic bastard finds these things. Note to self – Make friends with someone who owns a Donkey to carry me up this hill. Once again I had to run (walk, stagger, crawl) the whole bloody thing. 

Saw two other competitors on this stage who were heading for home. I get to the turnaround
point and there’s Christo taking video footage of my feeble attempt at running.  He’s full of good advice on how I should approach the rest of the race and I exercise supreme self-control not to punch him in the head. Still I sat down and had a bit of a chat with him and his Doctor sidekick. He could’ve at least had a cold beer for me.  It was much easier heading back to the bike rack. It was at this point that I discovered that after all my planning and scheming I was ahead of only two other competitors.
Bummer. Still little did anyone know that I had only 1 stage left to do as I had already ‘Completed’ stage 9.

Painultimate
This was supposed to be a 7km run around Applecross but since I had already punched off on this one it was a straight ride back to Kings Park for the last challenge.  As I was leaving Quadcrusher to head back to town another competitor was also leaving having given the quadcrusher a miss. As he had also decided to give Painultimate a miss it was a race back to Kings Park and Jacobs Ladder.
The look on his face when he got to Jacobs Ladder and found me stepping out the stairs was priceless.
“Which way did you come back”? He asked
“Straight down Albany Highway” was my honest reply.

Part 9 of the b……..blah blah
Straight down Albany Highway to the Beckenham Train Station.

Jacobs Ladder
No need to tell all you religious types that Jacobs Ladder was a pathway to Heaven according to the Old Testament. The Jacobs Ladder in Perth is not. In fact Hell-on-Earth would be a pretty good description after a day of painathling (I think I invented a new word).
I get to the start of this stage after having to push my bike up bloody Mount Street. I now hate that street.
There’s still about 5 or 10 competitors on this stage. By this time I’d had a gutful of the whole thing and just wanted to go home but Christo is there yelling encouragement.
“Just do one lap mate” he says.
Against my better judgement I do one lap. Hey there’s lots of good looking girls here.  I think I’ll do another lap. It’s not stalking when you follow someone as part of an athletic event. Better stop drooling though. I get to the top and decide that I’ve had enough of this whole ordeal but the girls running the show convince me to keep going. What’s worse is there’s a whole stack of people cheering us on. Some people would be inspired by this support but all I could think is;
“Bugger it. With all these people watching I can’t just go halfway down then up and claim a complete lap”!
At 5.45pm the organisers call a halt to proceedings. The sun has gone down and its now time to finish. I’d completed 8 laps of the stair climb.

Yippee I yell to myself as I punch my card off. Stagger across the road to the finish line and collapse.

All in all it was a great day.  According to the by-line in the Sunday Times promoting the event;  “Some of Perth’s fittest athletes are taking on the toughest exercise courses to raise money for a children’s charity”  And I did it too!  Though in a much condensed form.
Next year I’m going to try and convince some of my Rugby colleagues to give this event a go. I’m forming a new club. To become a member you have to weigh more than 100kgs and enter the Painathlon. This report will become the manifesto for the new club and it will be titled
“How To Survive Painathlon-For The Fat, Lazy and Unfit!”
I hope no one was too offended by my bold and cunning strategy to get through the day. For all my planning and scheming I still managed to beat…..

No – one.

Next year I might just do some training instead.

Finally a big THANK YOU to Jon and all his helpers for organising the whole event.  From the start line to the snakes and drinks and words of encouragement on the way, to the meal at the end of the day, all this would’ve taken quite a bit of effort and organising and my heartfelt appreciation goes out to you all.
I thought abut closing with some insightful or inspirational quote like Christo does on all his reports but after going through this ordeal all that’s left to say is:  At the end of the day I was tired and hungry and I had sore legs and Roxy my better half said I was nuts!
Can’t wait for the next one.